|
|
|
|
Samm
THUMBS UP
|
|
|
|
|
Out of the dark, a fireman caught Valerie as she stumbled from the burning apartment building. She coughed and choked, clutching a wadded-up beach towel in her arms.
Leading her quickly toward the street, the fireman's question was muffled beneath his full-face mask. "You all right?"
Valerie nodded her reply through her coughs, then caught sight of her neighbor, Mrs. Hernandez. The round little woman was crying as she looked at the third-floor windows of her apartment, her hands pressed together at her lips as if in prayer. The hem of her pink robe brushed the pavement as it fluttered in the gentle midnight breeze.
"Let's get you to the ambulance," the fireman said to Valerie as he began to usher her across the street. He waved to get a paramedic's attention.
"Wait," she coughed, pointing at her night-gowned neighbor and walking toward the anguished woman. Valerie adjusted the bundle in her arms. "I have her dog."
"Mrs. H!" Valerie called out in a raspy voice. She began unwrapping the quivering bundle. Round, fearful eyes peeked out of the beach towel, and she gently handed the dog to his owner.
"Cobrizo! Mi Cobrizo!" The copper-colored Chihuahua squirmed with delight and began licking his mistress's face. Mrs. Hernandez tearfully looked into Valerie's eyes, her voice choked with emotion. "Muchas gracias! How can I ever thank you?!" She hugged the little dog close and kissed him on the head.
Still hacking and wheezing, her lungs trying so hard to expel the smoke, Valerie gave her neighbor's hand a knowing squeeze.
The fireman took Valerie's arm to guide her in another direction. "The ambulance is just over here. You need treatment."
Valerie winced at his touch, for the first time becoming aware of pain in her right arm.
"I'm sorry, miss." He instantly released his grip and instead put his arm around her waist, quickening their gait. "Yo, Pete! We've got an injury here!"
Dazed, Valerie watched the dozens of firemen battle the blazing apartment complex that used to be her home. Minutes ticked by, and the fresh oxygen filling the mask she held brought her great relief. She quietly took in the scene as her breathing became easier and the paramedic examined her arm. The orange glow from the flames would be quite lovely, she thought, if not for what it really meant for her and so many other tenants. At least no lives had been lost, she'd heard one fireman report to another. Drained physically and emotionally, all she could do was watch what was left of her existence in the New York City suburbs burn, smoke, crumble.
Valerie sat on the rear bumper of the ambulance, holding the oxygen mask with her left hand while a paramedic wrapped sterile cold packs onto her right hand and forearm. This was the most she had felt in six months. She had been numb since the September 11 terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. The evil, senseless act that took her husband's life and changed her world forever.
Changed everyone's world forever.
A shiver ran down her spine. To think that it took fire burning her flesh in order to feel something!
She turned her attention again to the firefighters scurrying around. Heroes, each one of them, battling to put out the flames that were destroying people's lives. Black jackets, pants, and boots with their wide, reflective yellow stripe and lettering. NYFD. The best.
Pride and gratitude brought a swell of emotion from her heart and tears to her eyes. She hadn't felt like crying since the memorial service she and her in-laws had held for Joe after he'd been officially listed among the victims lost. Even after that church service she felt no closure.
Joe was just away, not gone forever.
One of the firemen was walking past the ambulance. Something about his lumbering stride seemed so familiar to her. His face was obscured by his protective mask, but she could tell he was looking at her. Without a word, he gave her a thumbs-up signal as he passed.
Her head began to spin.
Dizzily, she watched the man hoist a heavy water hose and turned the full spray on before entering the apartment door that she had stumbled out of. Gray-green smoke quickly curled around him as though it was pulling him inside.
Blackness swirled around Valerie.
The next thing she felt was a strange level of awareness and immobility, unable to figure out what was happening to her. She was enveloped in total darkness and felt a gentle bobbing sensation, as though she were on an air cushion floating on a calm lake. She lay as still as possible, straining her eyes against the thick blackness in hopes of seeing something, somewhere, to indicate what was going on.
"Relax, Val, you're safe."
Her mouth went dry and her body flushed cold, then hot. It couldn't be him. Where was she and what was happening to her?
"Joe? Joe, is that you? Where are you? I can't see you."
"I'm right here. I'm with you all the time. You don't have to see me to know that. But it would help if you came out of that fog you let roll in."
She let out a short laugh and tried swallowing the tremor in her voice. "That's just the sort of thing you would say. Am I in a fog? I didn't realize. I guess I haven't been aware of much of anything since--...." She couldn't bring herself to finish.
"Never mind. You'll be fine. You've got some big changes ahead, but you'll manage. You just need a little nudge to get you going."
She could hear the warm smile in his voice and tried again to catch a glimpse of him. She'd settle for a silhouette. Anything.
"Why can't I see you?"
There was a long silence before he spoke, his words gentle. "You know the answer to that one."
"Oh."
Yes, she knew.
"I tried to call you that morning. I wanted to tell you a few things."
Valerie's heart began pounding louder, faster.
"I was in the staircase with hundreds of others as we were making our way down. It was tense, but there was no panic. People were helping each other, calming each other. As I dialed our number, I remember thinking how glad I was that you stayed home that day. The connection had just gone through when the end came."
A flash of heat shot through her body, head to toe. "The phone rang twice before I could get to it. When I answered, there was no one there."
She remembered the queasiness she felt from the eerie silence on the other end of the line just as clearly as she remembered every little detail about that day. September 11, 2001, had the same traumatic impact on Valerie that the day JFK was assassinated had on her parents, and the day Pearl Harbor was bombed had on her grandparents. In a protective way, Valerie was glad none of them were alive to see this for themselves. Their generations had seen enough devastation over the years.
It was her generation's turn to deal with life-changing tragedy.
"That's right, it was a life-changing tragedy. But now it's time to move on, to choose the next direction for your life."
Joe had read her thoughts. "So you are in my head!"
"And in your heart, Valerie, as you are in mine."
He sure knew how to melt her with his words! "Yes, always in my heart." Oh, how she longed to see his face right now!
"We don't have much time. There is something I have to tell you before I go."
Valerie bit her lip to keep it from quivering and steeled herself for whatever it was he'd come to tell her.
"You need to settle things with my parents. Especially my mother."
"But things are fine between me and your parents. They always have been." Doubt crept in. "Haven't they?"
It warmed her heart to hear his chuckle.
"What I meant was, you're a living link, sweetheart. You're my mother's last connection to me. She won't want you to leave. Be sure to convince her that your moving away isn't any form of punishment on her."
Joe's words sank in slowly. "My moving away? But--"
"Think back to before we were married. Remember where you really wanted to settle down?"
Detailed images crept up from her distant memories: the Pineapple Fountain at Waterfront Park; the view of the harbor from the gazebo at White Point Gardens; stately oak trees draped in gray-green Spanish moss; red-bricked King Street, its multi-colored shops neatly lined up like row-houses, channeling pedestrians and traffic between the 17th-century architecture.
"Charleston...."
"That's right. But we decided together that we'd stay in New York as long as the stress of an investment banker's job didn't start eating me up or come between us."
This time Valerie chuckled. "You needed the fast pace. You loved living on the edge."
"Yes I did. And you sacrificed your dream location for mine."
"It wasn't much of a sacrifice, really--"
"There's nothing left to hold you here now. It's time for you to be where you want to be. My parents will understand. After the initial shock wears off, that is."
Again she could picture his warm smile. It was just like him to worry about her and his parents. But who knew she'd ever hear his message like this?!
Still enveloped in blackness, Valerie thought she heard a woman's voice faintly, but it seemed to be coming from far away.
"Joe?" she called, afraid he'd drifted away without her knowing.
"Yes, sweetheart?"
She sighed. "For a minute there I thought you'd gone. There are so many things I want to say to you."
"No regrets, I hope." There was humor in his voice, then he continued more seriously. "Think about it, my love. We said it all. We did it all. We just would've done more of it with more time."
Valerie thought about that one. He was right. And she certainly had no regrets.
The woman's voice seemed to be getting closer.
"I have to go now, Val. If Ma gives you a hard time, tell her I said, 'Cross my heart with mud in my eye.' Then follow your dreams. Follow your heart. Know that wherever you go, I'll be right there with you, and one day we'll be together again."
She lay perfectly still in the dark silence, tears making tracks from the outer corners of her eyes. She knew he was gone.
"I love you, Joseph Anthony Fazio."
Somehow, even though she knew he was no longer there with her, her heart was not empty. She felt stronger than she had in many months, months that she didn't even recall living through.
"Can you hear me? Open your eyes for me now... there you go."
Gradually Valerie's eyes focused on the woman whose gentle voice had floated to her through the blackness. Her dark, velvety skin had a beautiful bronze glow to it, and her smile was warm. Her deep brown eyes held kindness and reassurance in them.
"What happened? Where am I?"
"Don't you worry about a thing," she said in a friendly, comforting tone. "You passed out for a little while. Sometimes that happens after inhaling a lot of smoke." She reached overhead and pressed a few silent buttons. "You said something about Charleston. Are you planning a trip there?"
Valerie knew now that she was being cared for by a paramedic in the back of an ambulance, and their small-talk continued all the way to the hospital. She wished her dream about Joe hadn't ended, but she found herself considering making some changes. Changes she may never have gotten around to if not for the fire. If not for Joe.
# # #
Valerie woke late the next morning, confused at first by the unfamiliar surroundings as well as the dull ache in her arm. When she looked around the room, she remembered where she was: Joe's childhood bedroom in his parents' home. She smiled, lingering a little longer under his covers in his bed in his room. It was a large and amply-furnished room, complete with a stereo system, television, and a relic of a computer. Tony and Gina Fazio had provided well for their only child, with love and guidance as well as material things.
Finally, Valerie eased the covers off and crossed the room to open the blinds.
When she turned around, she noticed a collection of photographs displayed on the top of an old chest of drawers. From infancy to wedding day, pictures of Joe smiled up at her. Valerie savored every milestone picture: his first day of kindergarten, as a Cub Scout, fishing with his dad, baseball trophy time, high school graduation, first car, college graduation, their wedding day. Valerie had to laugh when she noticed a common theme. In every picture, Joe was sporting a "thumbs-up" and a huge smile. Even as an infant, the photographer had snapped the shot just as his tiny hand curled into a fist with his thumb pointing straight up!
Oh, if she could only hold him one more time, kiss him one more time....
Before she would allow her emotions to avalanche, Valerie hauled herself out of the bedroom. She could hear Gina and Tony talking in the kitchen as she made her way slowly down the stairs.
"Why, naturally she'll stay here with us, Tony, until she gets back on her feet. It makes perfect sense."
"All I'm saying is don't go getting any ideas that she'll stay here permanently. It isn't right for her and you know it."
Valerie shuffled into the kitchen. "Good morning."
"Valerie! You're up! How are you feeling? How is your arm? Have you taken anything for the pain? Would you like me to make something for you to eat?"
"Gina, Gina, give the girl a chance to breathe!" Tony scolded his wife as he eased his arm around Valerie's shoulder. "Don't mind your mother-in-law's fussing. She's worried and nervous."
Gina stood wringing her hands in a dishtowel. "Is it a crime now to worry?"
Guided by Tony, Valerie sat at the kitchen table. "I hope I'm not causing either of you any trouble by being here."
"Trouble? Of course you're no trouble. How about some orange juice?" Gina was already opening the refrigerator door before she finished asking the question.
Sitting across from Valerie, Tony coarsely whispered, "Drink some juice for her. It'll make us all feel better."
Gina set a small glass of juice in front of Valerie.
"Thanks, Mama Gina." She took a sip. "I don't suppose there's any news about my apartment yet, is there? Not that I expect anything to be left of it."
Gina turned back to the sink and started washing dishes, letting her husband deliver the bad news.
"I, uh, put a call in to the fire chief earlier this morning," Tony began. "Unofficially," he said, rubbing his chin, "it's a total loss. Only some of the end apartment units were left standing."
Valerie nodded. "That's okay. I expected as much." She drained her juice glass.
"Of course you can stay here as long as you like," sincerity and hopefulness written all over Gina's face.
Valerie stood and hugged her mother-in-law. "Thanks. But I know what I have to do now. Where I need to go."
Gina exchanged looks with Tony as Valerie sat back down.
"This is going to sound strange," she began, "and maybe you ought to sit down, Mama Gina."
Gina silently eased into the chair next to Valerie.
"I had a vision -- a dream -- in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Joe came to me there."
Again glances were shared between Gina and Tony.
"Of course you did, dear. I have dreams about Joe quite often. It's perfectly normal to--"
"Yes, I know," Valerie nodded. "But this one was different. In this one, Joe talked to me about here and now. He reminded me of someplace I hadn't thought of in a long time. Someplace I wanted to live before I even knew him."
Her in-laws waited quietly, patiently.
"Charleston."
Gina jumped to her feet. "South Carolina? But that's so far away... that's so different than here... I had no idea you wanted to leave New York! Oh, Valerie, just think about what you're saying. It was only a dream!"
"Now, now, Gina," Tony tried to calm his wife.
Again Valerie nodded, then continued steadily. "That's something else Joe said to me. He wanted me to convince you that this was the right thing for me. Mama Gina, he told me to tell you, 'Cross my heart with mud in my eye.' What does that mean, anyway?"
Speechless, Gina's eyes welled up with tears and her chin trembled. "Joe hasn't said that since he was a little boy!" She buried her face in the dishtowel and sobbed.
Tony stood up and put his arms around Gina, drawing her to him tenderly. His eyes also glittered with tears as he explained Joe's enigmatic message.
"That was his way of making a solemn promise to us. Or assuring us that he was telling the absolute truth about something."
Gina lowered the towel and sniffed. "He never liked saying 'and hope to die' after the 'cross my heart' part."
"So then it is right and true," Tony said as he stared blindly at the ceiling. "Valerie is meant to take her own path away from us now. So be it," he finished in a sigh.
Gina nodded, then made the sign of the cross and began mouthing a silent prayer.
# # #
Two weeks later, Valerie had everything in order and a plane ticket in her hand.
After the lengthy security checks at the airport, Valerie boarded her plane. She had insisted her in-laws stay home and not see her off. It was going to be hard enough just handing the one-way ticket to the flight attendant. She didn't want to look back to wave any tearful good-byes, and she had decided a night flight would be a less traumatic departure than seeing New York City -- the altered skyline and Ground Zero in particular -- in daylight from the air.
Since September, Valerie seldom watched news broadcasts. She had heard something vague about a special memorial service to mark the six-month date of the terrorist attack, but she new nothing specific about it. Even if someone had told her what it looked like, she still wouldn't have been prepared for the visual impact of it.
As her plane slowly maneuvered into place on the runway waiting for its turn for takeoff, the skyline lights of lower Manhattan came into view. She didn't want to look at the hole where the Twin Towers should be standing, yet she could not force herself to turn away from the window. It was as if someone was whispering to her to look.
"Come on, look, Val. It's beautiful. Cross my heart with mud in my eye."
Joe.
Inclining her head slightly to the right, her breath caught in her throat at the vision before her. There, where the Twin Towers had once stood, were brilliant twin beams of light radiating upward, reaching far beyond 110 stories. Glowing toward Heaven.
"Twin Spirits," she murmured.
Valerie became aware of the other passengers also viewing the memorial lights. Their reactions were similar to hers: solemn, respectful awe. Memories. Patriotism. Loyalty. Love.
Valerie looked back at the twin beams. "Good night, Joe," she whispered softly to the area where the lights faded into the deep indigo sky. She raised her hand to her window and gave the glittering skyline a thumbs-up signal, smiling through her tears.
Slowly the plane turned and took its position on the runway. A few seconds later, the engines roared to life, and the plane glided on its way toward Valerie's new future.
© 2002 Susan McLean Russak
|
|
