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LuAnn
I'm Outa Here
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I am bored with my life today. So for today I am leaving all my
responsibilities behind and leaving. I am just going to jump in my car with
a couple of notebooks, a camera, a cooler, and a 12 pack of diet coke and
taking off with my atlas. I really don't know where I am going yet, just
going. I may go one block, I may go a hundred miles, I may not actually
leave my living room but I am gone.
I am tired of being me. I am tired of being a mother. I am tired of
being a student. I am tired of being responsible. Let someone else be all
these things. At one time or another, everyone in my life has walked away
from me and left me holding the fort, picking up the pieces, gluing
everything back together. GET A LIFE EVERYBODY! I AM OUT OF GLUE!
No, I have not come unglued. But I am tired of doing it all. Just when
did it become okay that everyone could walk away except me? When did I sign
on for this duty? I don't remember becoming an indentured servant. I never
intended to spend half of my life doing exactly what everyone else wanted me
to do, or thought I should do for them.
I have no life. I don't go anywhere or do anything except school and
errands. My son has a better social life! Geesh, my dead batteries have a
better social life! At least they are all clustered together in the
recycling box with other batteries!
I used to window shop, walk the malls, go to the library, or spend
the afternoon talking to a girlfriend over a salad and a soda. What
happened to that person? When did I stop putting my needs on the list of
things to do? None of the things I like to do cost much. I like to sketch,
to write, to cartoon, or to do simple photography. I like to craft and have
plenty of crafts already purchased just waiting to be used. So why do I
deny myself? Why am I not worthy of my time and everyone else is?
So just for today, I am the only one in my universe. No one else
matters, no one else is here. I am walking on a beach, enjoying the cool
water licking at my ankles, the warm sand between my toes, the sun on my
shoulders. The crowd that was here when I arrived has all crept off
somewhere and I am alone with the birds circling overhead. The sea grass is
waving in the breeze. On the water, I see in the distance a sailboat headed
for the mouth of the bay. Going out to explore the Gulf? Or just sailing
far enough out to admire the Sunshine Skyway Bridge?
I look back across the water and see the soft blues, greens, and
avocados of the varying depths of the bay. I watch the clouds cast dark
shadows over the water. I watch the white caps come floating in and break
on the shore. I watch in amazement at the sand, the way it appears to move
as the water level rises and falls. Bubbles rise and burst. Little
critters scurry along the fringes of the grasses. Dragonflies tango in the
air around me. A seashell washes free, exposing its delicate pink interior
to the sun. Another one flips over, its ribs still filled with sand, giving
a surreal, hand painted, radial effect. Dimly I hear a jet and I watch it
traverse the skyline, leaving in its wake an ever expanding trail of white,
that as it ages, fractures along the air currents.
More time passes and the
sky is now tinged with pinks, lavenders, and even mauve. The sun, in one
last futile gesture, is glowering a brilliant red-orange in its rage at
being overthrown by the rising moon. Between darkening clouds, stark rays
reach for a final hold on the day, but in the end they too, lose to the
encroaching stars. One by one, they appear on the eastern horizon, becoming
bolder in their claim on the night. Cool breezes sweep in encouraging our
acceptance of the fact. It is time to surrender to the nocturnal urges and
return home.
I had railed against the injustices of the day and have now
made peace with the night. Tomorrow is another day.
© September 19, 1999 LuAnn Gould
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