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Marriage: Making it Work
by LaVonne Boruk
April 14, 1952 was a magic day in my life. It was the day after Easter Sunday. Spring. A new beginning. The first day of my married life. Easter had always been special to me, but now it took on new meaning.
I know that I've made marriage sound so easy to some of my less fortunate in love friends that I feel like I should apologize. Marriage is not easy, for the first thing each partner in the marriage has to do to be successful is to forget about himself/herself, and put the other half in the upper berth. Couples must also enter into the marriage with the willpower to succeed, and the stamina to hash out problems in a loving and respectful manner until they reach the one solution that will work best for both of them.
There will be problems. Problems compounded by more problems. A never-ending supply of problems. It takes two mature, dedicated people to work through them one by one. Each must give it their undivided attention. One shouldn't wonder if there will be another problem; one should wonder when the next problem will surface. Just as sure as death and taxes there will be problems throughout the marriage.
We all have differences. She may have grown up under the tough thumb of strict parents. His parents may have been less strict, allowing him wings, permitting him to learn to soar high. Or it could have been the other way around where her parents pushed her to excel in everything she did, while his were more laid back, allowing him to smolder on the vine, never being pushed out of swaddling clothes.
In either of the above cases the marriage is more likely to fail. Marriage is not a continual fun party and those who enter into it thinking it is are in for a big surprise. When a young girl I know was hell-bent for marriage at much too young an age her foolish parent gave her consent. No matter her chronological age, she had not been prepared to face life's trials, let alone a premature marriage.
When the young lady asked my advice I gave her some practical questions to think about. Would she work or be a stay at home wife? Who would handle the finances? Who would tend the lawn? Who would cook and wash dishes and clean the house? Who would keep the house and car in good repair? Who would do the laundry and clean the toilets? Who would be responsible for paying the bills? Would they have children, and if so, how many and when? Who would get up in the middle of the night to change diapers and feed the baby? Had she discussed this with her future husband? Who would be their primary caretaker?
It was clear to me that this young lady was not prepared to clean toilets, let alone handle the finances, or babies. And with so little education she probably would not be able to get a good paying job, and she, therefore, would either be a lonely, stay at home wife, or she would be in some menial low-paying job that she would hate. The young man she planned to marry had done a stint in the military, but had left under unusual circumstances. He seemed very immature. A huge red flag to me, even though I had never met the young man. I knew that would most likely be a black mark on his record when applying for a job. That made him seem very unstable, as though he didn't know in which direction he wanted his life to go.
I had to wonder what kind of husband such an immature man would make. And how would two such immature people ever be able to make a marriage work? They both needed to grow up. They both needed more education. They both needed to have marriage defined. Marriage is meant to be a life-long proposition. The establishment of a home and family. It is not one round of romantic bliss after another, as many young people seem to think. If they would take the trouble to look at their own parents' marriage and how they interact with one another then they might have some inkling of what marriage is and is not.
But just because your parents' marriage works (or doesn't work) doesn't mean that yours will be the same as theirs. Your marriage will be the sum of the parts that you and your spouse put into it. If you both are mature and committed to each other, and if you both work very hard at solving problems together as they arise, then your marriage may become even more than the sum of its parts.
I can't imagine life without my husband. We will soon be married 49 years. In the beginning it was difficult for us to adjust each to the other's needs. There was a time that I wouldn't have bet a nickel that our marriage would last. Those were the early years, the period of adjustment. It would have been so easy to admit defeat, but failure was harder to take. It used to be said that if you make it through the first year of marriage you are well on your way to staying married. For us it took probably three years.
We were three days short of being married three years when our first child was born. That was a turning point for us. This little life depended on us for his very survival. By now we were up to the task. This little replica of us made all the difference. We were no longer two people, nor three. We were all blended into one. One family. One marriage that we were determined to make work for us. It was like we'd been asleep all these years, but now we were awake.
We continued to struggle. I did things he didn't like. He did things I didn't like. But we talked it out, and learned to compromise. We learned to forgive and forget, to realize that neither of us was perfect, and to work together for the good of the whole.
In my opinion there are only two things that can't be forgiven in a marriage: abuse and infidelity.
Abuse has many forms, both verbal and physical. Marriage is a contract between two equal partners. Anything that breaks the contract can be considered abuse. That includes anything from refusing to work out problems in a loving and respectful manner, to using the paycheck for other than supporting the home and family, or refusing to earn the paycheck in the first place, criminal activity, and physical violence. There is nothing worse than an abusive marriage, and no one should stay in such a marriage.
Conversely, there is nothing more beautiful than the loving, caring, and sharing relationship between two people who care enough to work at making their marriage what it should be. I look forward to another fifty years with my husband.
©2001 LaVonne Boruk
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