|
|
|
|
di's Insite
Flying Upside Down
There are days when I can't seem to walk, much less even think about flying. Sometimes a remark sets me back for days. People seem fond of saying, "It will get better with time." Time seems to have stopped and no matter what I accomplish that day, it is never enough to kill the pain. A widow told me recently that the pain never goes away. I needed to hear that like needing another bill right now!
I was also told not to make any decisions the first year or I would later regret it. How can I not make decisions when my financial security depends on it? I know, if a widow has a home she can afford or paid for, then maybe it is best to remain in it or awhile at least. One widower told me his home, after a two year anniversary of his wife's death, had become a memorial tomb. I don't want that to happen to me. Don't take this out of context: I do want to keep sentimental items my husband gave
me. I just don't want to build a shrine to him nor make him into a saint.
Financial matters seem to be the first thing that I had to deal with and the whole issue isn't over with yet. At first, denial of any decision to be made but grieving, seemed to be the sensible thing to do. Until the creditors and family started asking for money. Money seems so unimportant now yet I must deal with it or be without decent credit. Some have told me they filed bankruptcy, after a death; it got them away from the financial worries for the time being. I think eventually it would could come back to haunt me, not paying my bills or letting things go that he would have taken care of if still around. Yet there are days when I dread the phone ringing, knowing someone has messed up our records again.
I spent another day recently, re-calling companies I had already spent hours calling before, asking them why a charge was on the bill again, though he wasn't using that service anymore or why they still has his name on the account. Getting mail from creditors is bad enough but seeing his name on every bill and junk mail brings tears as I drive home from the post office.
Tears have become a real enemy now. I know crying is supposed to help pass the grief more quickly. Crying though has many disadvantages for me. First, it is not only embarrassing to be crying over a can of beans at the grocery store because he loved them, but it chisels away my confidence in being able to handle ordinary things like shopping. Tears take up time, make me feel congested and worse, puff up my face! I have enough trouble at my age of 56 thinking I am still attractive, much less to look in the mirror, see my puffy eyes and runny nose, hair disheveled, only to wonder why do I think I'll ever be love again? Who would want this mess of a woman!
Before I get emails trying to reassure me I am going through normal stuff, let me tell you clearly---I know it is normal to feel this way! It doesn't help to know that. Mourning is no fun, no matter how normal the process is for a person, whether it for a family member or a favorite pet. Sometimes my insides feel like they are splitting with the pain of some memory, triggered by something as simple as finding a lost pen of his in the sofa. There are nights I wonder how can I ever sleep peacefully again?
Sleep is a big problem now. For when I try to sleep, there are vivid dreams of us. I wake up crying again, something I think by now readers, you know I am trying to stop! Once in awhile I manage to get a few hours of sleep, then I awake with a hopeful outlook for the day---until I realize it will be without him. Once again, my stomach churns and the shower washes away tears.
So you can see dear readers, crying doesn't always relieve the grief. Now, for me, a good day is one when someone mentions his name, I can smile and say, "thank you". I don't really mean it; it just seems the proper thing to say. Even now, I still get emails and phone calls from those just hearing of my husband's death. Those are not as bad as they would seem; people are shocked and I listen, knowing how it was at the beginning for others. I can be of help, and comfort them. Helping them go through this first shock is a way that helps me to feel whole again.
The mind can block out memories and dates so easily when over stressed. I find it hard, no matter how good my filing system is, to remember just where I put something I had filed the previous day. So out of necessity, I came up with a plan: I bought one of those smaller plastic file boxes that hold several files and the most important ones like bills that are still current, go in there. It helped a lot by focusing on a smaller area to search through than my bigger file cabinets. Another thing that has helped, is putting voice mail on my phone service. I don't have to listen to an answering machine when the phone rings. I can listen to my voice mail when I think I can handle it better. Then I can return calls when I am somewhat in better control. It didn't cost much to add it to my phone service and I had already deleted all the other add-ons phone companies had persuaded us to put on our service in the past. I no longer needed a long distance server---my family all has cell phones and I personally use a phone card bought at a discount store to make calls to them. The phone card helps me to budget and not be impulsive about making late night calls to friends when feeling very lonely and depressed.
Though I am aware depression can be handled with medications, I have chosen not to take them, at least not yet. As a writer, feeling these emotions and writing about them helps. I don't want to dull my mind any further! The other day, was the worst yet; without realizing I had blocked it, I spent the day, dragging my swollen body painfully around, crying at the littlest memory. I couldn't figure out just why that day was so bad except my water retention was really bad---my feet hurt just to walk. The next morning, feeling better, my mind cleared enough to look at a calendar (another problem is remembering what day it is!) and it suddenly dawned on me, the day before was exactly two months ago I had watched him die of his heart attack.
Remembering or forgetting---it doesn't matter which it is---each brings its own feelings of remorse or just plain loneliness. Each day isn't any easier, it is just a day to learn something else about myself I need to work on. Yes, dear readers, I am getting stronger day by day, learning I have much to be thankful for. I saw a quote recently, I have been trying to keep in mind: "If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you didn't want." I will survive this time of my life with recognizing my daily blessings.
Write me of your own solutions for dealing with grief.
Send me email
© 2002 di
|
|
