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di's Insite
Learning To Fly As A Widow
I received an email recently about an eagle mother teaching her eaglets to
fly. Taking them on her wing one by one, she soared to let them feel the
fun of flying, though at first the tiny eaglet was scared out of his wits!
After flying high, she didn't take him back to his thorny nest, but instead,
let him drop, then catching him before he landed, letting him try his wings.
Finally, after several tries, the eaglet learned to flap just so, exercising
his muscles till he got it right and soared beside her. I thought, dear
readers, what an exciting accomplishment that eaglet must feel! How I want
to feel that again someday, has been running through my mind.
Lately, it has felt as if I am looking out of some tall mountain nest,
knowing I have to try to fly on my own now. For those of you who don't
know, my dear husband died recently and once again, I must learn to be on my
own. I am thankful God has taught me how to fly in other areas, but never
as a widow. For the first time, I understand what the loss of a spouse
can do to one's mind and life.
Being the researcher writer I am, I went looking for other widows on the
net. What I discovered is a feeling common among us---this lost feeling.
Somehow the mind just doesn't want to stay focused, no matter how important
it is in our present situation to stay in control of our lives. They say
it can last for years! Now, I am an impatient Aries, wanting to just do
whatever it takes and get my life going again. Yet this disconnected body
is at war with my mind......nothing makes sense anymore. I am still in
shock, his death ended our lives together so abruptly. Just a year ago, I
wrote here about our wedding and how I had decorated the church reception
room on a budget. When we stood at the church altar, neither of us knew
that a year later Ron would be lying there in that same spot in a casket.
So, dear readers, I have decided to write about our two years of knowing
each other and will interchange these articles with a journal of sorts of
how I am dealing with this new beginning. It is my hopes this account will
help others plan for their lives together with insights and that some of you
who can relate will email me and tell me of your feelings, experiences, and
how you are coping. Who knows? Together we may strengthen each other and
learn how to fly again.
My mornings are easier than my nights; up with coffee, I let Shadow out and
sit down at my computer to begin my day. It was natural for us to start our
day with coffee and our repective computers online. He understood my need
to write and we both loved our morning chats with friends preparing for
work. Now, I make lists because my thinking is not so clear and it helps to
check it off---feels like at least I did something today. I admit not all
on my list gets checked off. Those lists are the only way I can be sure I
will remember anything!
Dusk arrives, bringing with it dread. My nights seem so final; I am
supposed to be sleeping, right? Try as I might, the dreams wake me up to
realization and tears. Though starting a new day, gives me hope that time
is passing, and thus it will get better, I know the sinking feeling that I
am still grieving. I accept this time of mourning and let the grief flow
over me. They say anger is part of it, yet I feel so little anger. The
two years we were together (we met the year before marrying) taught me so
much that I thank God every day for them. I am not angry he had to go
before me, though we had agreed when the time came, we wanted to leave this
earth in our old age. Things just don't always work out like we imagined.
I do get irritated at myself for not filling out that program I had bought
recently on making out a will. Please, if any of you think it is not
necessary, think again! A will can save your family so much frustration.
We don't own much, but something's he had before we married aren't
automatically all mine as a widow. A will would have saved me countless
paper searches during a time I only want to mourn. It would have saved me
money I desperately need now too!
He had his own debts before we married. I have to pour over our records to
see what we both paid on them, make calls to see if any death coverage
existed (it didn't), and make decisions on what to keep, and what to let go.
One big item was his car. Ron didn't shop with the future in mind, he
wanted it, so bought it on credit. Of course he had no idea he wouldn't be
around to make that last payment, something that he was looking forward to
this fall. I found though the car legally would be mine if paid for, it
will be hard to sell it without a title; that won't be forthcoming till
after the last payment. I can barely afford the simplist expenses; a car
payment is frightening. So frustrating to know selling it would pay off
some bills, yet keeping it means finding some cash somewhere. That means
finding my mind quickly!
I feel so disconnected, out of touch, numb,
walking in a dream, that confidence in my ablity to work in the public right
now is lacking. I burst into tears at the slightest thing. Sometimes it is
some wonderful memory an object evokes; then there are those well meaning
people who think my smiles mean I can deal with their expressed sympathies.
I try to remember they mean well, though some ought to think more before
speaking! Crying at the drop of a word spirals me down into that black
abyss where numbness awaits, and memory is lost. Somehow I must find myself
again.
As all couples do, we had plans for our life together. At first, I thought
it my duty to continue those plans. Then I remembered God may have
different plans for me now than He did when he joined us together. Like
that eaglet, looking out of its thorny nest, I want to leave the discomfort
behind, I want to fly. How I yearn for that day when I can feel the
accomplishment of learning my lesson well.
Share with me your own experiences as a widow/widower, please!
Send me email
© 2002 di
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