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di's Insite
Online Romances, part 5
Some online romances work out fine. Some don't and hearts are broken. Women seem more vulnerable when looking online for romance, but men are vulnerable too.
Some get involved with chat sites that portray women in a degrading way, but the women who frequent them seem not to care. There are some video chats that are quite explicit and both sexes can chat and view the other person. Naturally, those sites offer a variety of chat rooms.
When singles meet online, they cautiously talk about their lifestyle at first. As they get to know one another more, they ask questions to find out where the other stands on lifestyle issues. A woman who doesn't ask the right questions can really be surprised later on with the man she thinks she has fallen for! And yes, there are those of both sexes who lie online! But if the couple find they both like relationships out of the usual boundaries, they will meet to find out just how experimental the other is willing to show.
Besides romance chat rooms for singles, there are those for married couples who want to meet other married couples. Some of these don't ever meet-- they do a video chat within a group or open a private room for just them or their friends. There are rooms for every interest imaginable! Those rooms can be locked if the moderator chooses. No one enters without being invited. That also keeps out any teens who are curious!
This part of my series is not to criticize someone's choices in chat rooms. Rather, I wanted to let my newbie readers know how some couples came to want to be on the net with other couples. We have all heard of Swingers-- those couples who like to exchange partners for sex encounters or who just want an open friendship where any subject can be discussed.
Now, don't be appalled! It happens more than you may realize. Marriage to me is sacred, and it seemed there had to be a reason to want someone else other than a spouse. There are those too, who had never considered such a relationship, but met and married one who did. It worked out for them. I talked to the couples and learned some interesting views. This is not to argue for it, but rather to give you some information you may not otherwise have/or want to have, recourse to on the web.
Couples told me they thought their swinger lifestyle enhanced their relationship. They looked forward to going out with another couple and the resulting night. I was reassured that no one talked anyone into anything they didn't want to try.
I asked if any couple had backed out at the last minute on sharing the evening. I was told by several that indeed that had happened and they parted as friends. Inquiring further, the one who objected most was the woman. I suppose men can be jealous, too! But it was the woman who just couldn't bear the thought of another woman with her man, although she had fantasized about being with another man or woman and wanted to try it.
I read somewhere that most women do fantasize about another man when making love. If that is true, then most just think about it, and never become swingers. However, swingers told me that they don't have to dream it, they make it happen.
I talked with one man who told me he didn't want to bed another woman but liked to watch his wife with another man. I asked if it affected his relationship later when they were alone. He thought not. She said different. She told me that she preferred not sharing him and really didn't care about being a swinger that much, but it did a lot for him and she was convinced he was a better lover afterwards! She didn't seem affected with any guilt afterwards.
I asked if she had kids. She said yes. What effect did their lifestyle have on them? None, because they kept it a secret. I wondered how long the secret could be kept when the kids grew up.
The couples with kids always seem to really love them. They said wonderful things about their kids. Without knowing them personally, I can only take their word that the kids are well cared for. Some told me that they never let anyone have their address, and locations to meet were worked out via email. The encounters were not always at motels, but at homes if there were no kids. But a lot of couples, including those not swingers, never met those from online. The video chat rooms were enough for them.
I asked, "what about disease? Are you worried you may end up with something incurable?" I was told by several that they screen couples to meet very carefully-- even down to their credit rating! They only wanted to meet someone who was secure in their financial station and not on a scam. They all said they took precautions and always wore condoms. Some even asked for the results of recent health tests, though most admitted it was a risk; they took the other couples' word that they were safe from disease. Now that is a big risk.
I don't know if all were divorced and then remarried someone who thought the Swinger lifestyle suited them, but I did meet an online couple who was young and newly married. They assured me it had enhanced their relationship. I asked them if they were going to have kids someday. The woman assured me she never wanted to have children. She admitted she preferred an active social life and kids were not in her future. Both of them seemed to focus a lot on each other.
Maybe those couples who chose such a lifestyle share more openly their views and needs than they would had the other partner objected. I am not sure it helps to strengthen them down the road in a marriage. But I did talk to older couples who had marriages in the past and now had married someone more like them. Then there were those where the man was much older than the woman. She told me she felt cherished, not submissive. They said it was not in the least less than any other marriage. I was told they loved the other more for being able to share. They felt since they had shared values, the marriage was more secure than most.
I asked about religion-- did they practice any? How did it affect their values? I didn't learn of any churches they were involved in-- most just said their own beliefs they practiced at home or were involved in a new age one. That made sense to me; otherwise, they would be practicing a lifestyle that went against their religion.
I did get email from women who felt betrayed when they learned their new online romance partner wanted to share them with another man. Naturally, that relationship ended. I have talked with men who had women cheat on them too. Maybe those type of people who want more than one partner find it hard to be honest from the beginning of a relationship. I asked one man why he just didn't tell her at the beginning. He said, "She didn't ask."
In real life dating, a couple starts out being polite, trying to make a good impression. Online dating means no one has to hold back anything. They can ask, offend if they will, get disconnected quickly or not! I found men tend to assume a lot. They don't like a lot of questions if they are trying to hide something like a marriage! So they don't ask a lot of questions either.
I urge all to ask questions, even personal ones. There is no certain personality to decipher on the net for lifestyles opposite your own. There are very nice people who abhor violence and crass behavior in every lifestyle. You can't tell just by their carefully chosen typed words. Ask questions if you think you may want to meet this person... don't wait till later when your heart is involved. Make sure you check out any information given, but don't give out your address or where you work. And do make sure your values are shared.
The net is a wonderful place to meet new friends from all over the world. There are neighborhoods in this world some of us would never venture to... and so there is on the net. The advantage of the net, is you don't have to travel far to find adventure. Just be sure it is safe for you.
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© 2000 di
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